Fist F👊
Fist F����ck Yourself 2016 was the sixth Fist F����ck Yourself event, taking place on February 21, 2016. The event was highlighted by the Elimination Chamber match for a shot at the vacant World Heavyweight Championship at Diaz's Fuck Fest XII, Batista defending the United States Championship against Sheamus, and The Undertaker taking on The Kings of Crime in a Handicap match. __TOC__ Background At Laugh Like Pee-wee, Dynamite Derek earned the right to enter the Elimination Chamber when he defeated Nateflix, Chris Jericho, and Wing. While this victory was undoubtedly cathartic, the Dark Luminary has only made it halfway up the hill. Whoever wishes to be the second challenger for the vacant World Heavyweight Championship will have to defeat five of the top competitors to do so. Dynamite Derek's determination to earn this opportunity is well-documented. But as J-Pac reminded his longtime friend, he was there at the very beginning whenever Triple H began to make life difficult for them. After his defeat in the First Blood in the Water match, the Infinity Kid wants to prove that his time spent on the sidelines doesn't mean that he can no longer win the big one. Similarly, "Macho Man" Randy Savage defended his title for the first and last time in last year's Elimination Chamber and would like to rewrite the events of his prior appearance in the steel prison. However, the man who eliminated the Macho Man by rendering him unconscious will once again be entering the Chamber as Ben Unhinged vies for the opportunity to main event the twelfth Fest. History could repeat itself with these combustible elements thrown back into the mix, or it could be made by the self-proclaimed moment maker Mark Jindrak. The former Intercontinental Champion left his mark last month when he tossed current guest assistant commissioner Ken Shamrock over the top rope. This time around, he's locked up along with five former World champions. Jindrak looks to eliminate all of his competition on the road to the title starting with, in his words, the scene-stealing Ben Unhinged. To round out the field of competition is Reverend Drew, the reigning Intercontinental Champion who managed to retain the gold through nefarious means against Big Show. Despite his use of the title as a weapon, the irreverent reverend proclaimed that he didn't need the help of questionable tactics or even his Acolytes to remain champion. Now on his own, Reverend Drew looks to become the first-ever simultaneous holder of the Intercontinental and World Heavyweight Championship. With these six all hungry for the opportunity to main event Diaz's Fuck Fest XII, Triple H had best be prepared for the fight of his life if he wants to achieve eternal glory. Many of the combatants have personal animosity towards the former commissioner, but all of them want to become champion of the world more than anything. During Upper Management's reign of terror, it was no secret that Sheamus was the golden goose anointed by Triple H. All the while, the former commissioner was grooming Batista behind the scenes during his stay in Arrested Developmental. The former Main Event Champion made a big impact upon arriving to the main roster when he dismantled the Wiley brothers and captured the United States Title. While Batista continued to ascend the ranks, Helmsley's Irish mercenary became unpredictable and problematic. Like a cuckoo hatchling, Batista soon pushed Sheamus into the background and established himself as the new favorite. When the teams were named for the Dr. Meinheimer elimination tag match for total control of SvR06, Sheamus found himself sitting on the sidelines rather than competing as a member of Team Triple H. This was when Team Barkley sought the aid of the Celtic bruiser, who would ultimately lead the tandem to victory. In doing so, Sheamus became the only person to pin the United States Champion since his explosive arrival. The Irishman would once again get the best of his rival in a battle royal on Road to Laugh Like Pee-wee. Fed up, Batista has targeted in the weeks following Laugh Like Pee-wee while continuously proclaiming himself to be the most powerful competitor on the roster. Sheamus countered by reminding The Animal that while he was playing bodyguard, he was unifying World titles. Obsessed with proving himself to be superior, Batista persistently challenged Sheamus while the Celtic Warrior continued to claim that he had nothing to prove. That was, of course, unless the champion wanted to make it interesting and put the United States Title on the line. Batista, desperately wanting to refuse, couldn't resist the chance to decisively defeat Sheamus. The career records for these two are among the best on the roster, and at the final stop before Diaz's Fuck Fest XII, these two forces will collide to finally determine who the better man truly is. On top of that, the coveted United States Championship is riding on the line. On the night of Laugh Like Pee-wee, the Kings of Crime vowed to embarrass the Wileys like they'd never been embarrassed before and take their place as SvR06's new feature family. As far as their title match with Walter and Winslow was concerned, it appeared that they succeeded when Diaz suggested that Walter was not the father of DEFAULT before stealing the victory. The truth behind this accusation has yet to be elaborated on, as the family remained silent about the incident. Later, during the 30-man Laugh Like Pee-wee match, the World Tag Team Champions appeared at ringside to see to it that DEFAULT found himself making an early exit from the bout. However, all they managed to accomplish was unintentionally providing the distraction that led to The Undertaker's unceremonious elimination. Taking that opportunity from anyone would be bad enough but Diaz and Kingpin deprived The Deadman from a shot at eternal glory. For this, the Reaper of Wayward Souls has tormented the champions for weeks. Notably, the Phenom terrorized King of Crime business associate Alistair Smythe at the SvR06 training facility before Diaz and Fisk finally battled back with a two-on-one ambush against their tormentor. The champions proclaimed that Undertaker may think he's the most powerful force in all the land, but their united strength outmatches his. At Fist Fuck Yourself, the Kings of Crime have vowed to prove their claims by leaving Undertaker a crumpled heap like they did before. Throughout his legendary story, The Undertaker has stood up against and defeated some of the most opposing forces known to man. But can he manage to best the strength of The Kingpin and the cunning of Ricardo Diaz? Dissatisfied with going home with two losses at Laugh Like Pee-wee, Chris Jericho demanded that Commissioner Barkley place him in the Elimination Chamber for a shot at the World Heavyweight Championship. Barkley refused, sending Jericho into a rage that has led him to petition for Charles to once again be removed from his position. So far the request has only been signed by Count Out, infuriating Y2J even further. To compromise, the commissioner has given Jericho the opportunity to qualify for the upcoming Money in the Bank Ladder match against the recently-rehabilitated Wrestler: Unstoppable. In an attempt to gain the upper hand, Jericho instructed the fanatical Count Out to get the jump on the Secret Agent Man. Unfortunately for the vamp vampire, Big Show had his pupil's back. Will Chris Jericho manage to weasel his way to victory in spite of the sheer mass of Wrestler: Unstoppable and Big Show in his path or will the returning competitor's spy game leave Y2J to fight another day? Since his arrival, The Shark has done nothing but systematically tear everyone in his path to shreds. His assault on Wing in the parking lot during Any Plans For Summer left then-Money in the Bank holder out of the ring for a number of months. Due to controversial circumstances, Wing was unable to obtain the World Heavyweight Championship. However, this would prove to merely be a minor setback as The Watcher became the all-time record holder for most cumulative Laugh Like Pee-wee eliminations as well as breaking Ted DiBiase's longstanding record for tossing out the most individuals in a single Pee-wee. While he won't be competing for the championship at Diaz's Fuck Fest XII, the face-painted vigilante will attempt to put his past year behind him as he moves onward to the biggest event of the season. But to achieve closure, he will have to compete against the most dominant force SvR06 has seen in some time. While Wing goes into this contest with a goal in mind, the 470-pound deadliest catch fully intends to finish the job that he started last summer. The Shark claimed that he may have only plucked his opponent's feathers last time. But now, he's going to rip the wings clean off. Wing has chosen fight over flight, but is that a wise decision with the biggest event of the year on the horizon? Since winning the title back from Paul London, we've seen a new side of Cruiserweight Champion Rey Mysterio. The once-beloved underdog is now more outspoken than ever about what he perceives to be unbridled adoration from the audience. In the process, the self-appointed hero of the people has dismissed every accusation of corner-cutting and utilizing underhanded tactics to remain champion. Whether it be his claims that he didn't mean to place his hand over Psicosis' mouth or that he accidentally knocked down Illegal Alien and took his title opportunity in dedication of him, the San Diego native almost seems to be in denial about his apparent new leaf. Once again, Mysterio will hold an open challenge for his Cruiserweight Title to attempt to prove to his naysayers that he's a fair champion. We've seen the biggest little man overcome some of the best in his division so far, but will he manage to best his next mystery opponent? Who will step up to the plate for the opportunity to obtain Cruiserweight glory? During the events leading up to Laugh Like Pee-wee, the team collectively known as The Shithouses told anyone who would listen that one of them was going to break the record for the shortest appearance in the 30-man/Wookie match's history. If you were to ask this eclectic trio of misfits, they would tell you that they succeeded. Jushin Tiger was set to enter the over-the-top-rope fray but The Shark seized his spot and left him in the back to watch. Due to these circumstances, the Shithouse squad claim ownership to the record of zero minutes and zero seconds. However, the books would argue that Goldust is the holder of the shortest Pee-wee outing when he lasted a second short of the then-reigning 19 seconds. Feeling that an injustice has been carried out against them, Josh the Cat and Chewbacca have challenged The Dust Busters to tag team competition. Reportedly, the tandem will attempt to apply a new tactic going into their match which focuses heavily on attempting to actually win. Will Goldust and Diamondust bounce back from a less-than-stellar beginning to the new year or will the newly-focused Shithouses manage to thwart their nature and obtain victory? Results Before the main event of Diaz’s Fuck Fest XII could be decided, six men would enter the dreaded Elimination Chamber to put themselves through hell to get to the World Heavyweight Championship match against Triple H. While many in this contest had personal stakes as well, all of them would like nothing more than to go to the biggest event of the year and walk out champion. The question is, which one was determined and resilient enough to withstand the torture and capture this golden opportunity? To kick off the action in an exhilarating way, Rey Mysterio entered the ring for his next Cruiserweight Championship Open Challenge. For this go-around, the call was answered by Canadian apologist Lance Storm. The resident of Calgary…Alberta, Canada made it clear that he wasn’t Mysterio’s friend, buddy, as he outwrestled him in the early stages of the bout. This led the champion to assume that the right thing to do was to grab a steel chair and ensure he left with the belt. Fortunately, Storm prevented the attack and eventually positioned Rey for the Last Call superkick. However, Mysterio countered and planted the challenger on his neck with a rolling pin variation. Once again, the champion left the building with the title firmly in hand and the challenger in a supine state. After touting that they would break the record for shortest appearance in last month’s Laugh Like Pee-wee match, the Shithouses were left disappointed whenever the record was instead broken by Goldust by a matter of one second. Frustrated that they couldn’t even succeed at failing, Josh the Cat and Chewbacca adapted their game plan for this tag team contest and attempted to actually win the match for a change. Unfortunately for them, they didn’t consider that they were dealing with formidable competition in the former tag team champions Goldust and Diamondust. Despite their best efforts to claw their way to victory, Goldust brought the curtain down on Josh the Cat to award the victory to The Dust Busters. Before the next match could commence, a commotion arose from backstage. The United States Champion Batista had ambushed Dynamite Derek without provocation. The Dark Luminary attempted to fight back, but was inevitably planted with a spinebuster onto the concrete floor. Would Dynamite Derek be physically able to compete in the evening’s Elimination Chamber? Up next, the bitter Chris Jericho battled Wrestler: Unstoppable for a spot in the upcoming Money in the Bank Ladder match. Y2J proved a formidable opponent for the Secret Agent Man, outpacing and outwitting him throughout the duration of the contest. At one point, the part-time spy mistook Jericho’s doppelganger Count Out for the genuine article. The diversion, however, also allowed Wrestler: Unstoppable’s mentor Big Show to land an anvil-sized fist into the groin of their crafty competition. Jericho’s opponent drove him into the mat to finish him off, qualifying for the Money in the Bank Ladder match in the process. Big Show ruffled Wrestler: Unstoppable’s mohawk as Jericho destroyed Count Out’s sign that requested the audience cheer his idol. After months of arguing who the superior man was, Batista placed his United States Championship on the line against Sheamus. The two bulls charged with all their might towards the other, engaging in a power struggle of strength against strength. Although Batista proved to be the more powerful of the two, Sheamus refused to surrender to his attack. Frustrated at being unable to keep the durable Irishman down, Batista shoved the referee to the mat and grabbed a chair to use on his adversary. Sheamus would then fight back with a series of Brogue Kicks that were shielded by the protection of the steel chair. This ultimately exhausted everything the Celtic Warrior had in him and Batista took advantage by applying a strategic sleeper hold to keep his enduring championship reign alive. The Undertaker looked to exact a dose of revenge on Ricardo Diaz and The Kingpin in the meddling hand they played in causing him to lose his opportunity at the vacant World Heavyweight Title. But even The Deadman knew that he was up against a force to be reckoned with in the form of The Kings of Crime. With that in mind, Undertaker evened the odds by resurrecting the soul of a demon he buried at Dr. Meinheimer. It’s gotta be Kane! Seeing the writing on the wall, Diaz fled the arena. Unfortunately for his business associate Wilson Fisk, Undertaker and Kane seized him and proceeded to knock him back and forth like a beach ball. After a series of Tombstones, the duo mercifully finished him off with a chokeslam from the top turnbuckle. For Diaz’s sake, he’d better hope that these two ruthless reapers don’t catch up with him. Before moving on to Diaz’s Fuck Fest XII, Wing looked to put his past year behind him. To do so, he felt that he had to defeat the monstrosity that shattered his leg in a car door last summer. At his request, this match was changed beforehand to a Tables match. That way, The Shark could feel the same splintering agony that left Wing on the shelf for months. While any match with the vicious Shark is an uphill battle, the Watcher had momentum in his favor at many opportunities. Before he could take to the air and put The Shark through wood, however, Nateflix stormed the ring and set a table with Wing for the big fish to devour. Why has the master manipulator chosen to now target Wing? With the preliminary at an end, the demonic Elimination Chamber descended from the sky and shrouded the ring like a black cloud. Of the six that would enter, only one could walk away with an opportunity at the World Heavyweight Championship in their grasp. Starting off the match hot, J-Pac and “Macho Man” Randy Savage locked up for the opening minutes before being joined by Dynamite Derek. J-Pac and Dynamite put their friendship aside, as did Ben Unhinged when he joined the fray next. Following him was Mark Jindrak, looking to make a moment off the back of these decorated champions, and lastly Intercontinental Champion Reverend Drew. With all six free to roam the structure at once, all hell broke loose. J-Pac would take everyone down with a moonsault before landing a devastating J-Factor to Derek onto the steel floor. This didn’t keep the determined hero down, however, as he would roll up Reverend Drew for the first elimination shortly thereafter. The field of competitors continued to disperse whenever Macho Man earned payback from last year’s Chamber by dropping his patented elbow onto Ben Unhinged for the elimination. Mark Jindrak fell next following a devastating DKO onto the floor by Dynamite while J-Pac found himself making an explosive exit after being propelled through a plate of glass by Savage. With that, it was down to war-wounded gladiators to fight it out in the pit of this colosseum of steel and chain. Savage attempted to get the best of the superhero with a series of knee lifts, all which were countered with the grace of a matador. When Macho Man eventually connected, Dynamite intercepted his foot, spun him around, and landed a conclusive DKO from out of nowhere. Pinning him, Dynamite Derek earned the opportunity that’s eluded him for the past year. Another chance to hold the World Heavyweight Championship. But to do so, he will have to defeat the second challenger. The man who has been truly responsible for destroying everything he cared about and keeping him as far away from the gold as possible. That man is Triple H. The two will meet in the main event of Diaz’s Fuck Fest XII in what is certain to be one of the most astounding clashes we have ever seen. And with that, we move on.